Scaffolding by Seamus Heaney

Masons, when they start upon a building,

Are careful to test out the scaffolding;

Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,

Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.

And yet all this comes down when the job’s done

Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.

So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be

Old bridges breaking between you and me

Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall

Confident that we have built our wall.

 

I have spent several years trying to find a way to parent that creates stable structure as well as enough space to allow the children to connect with their spirit and live into who they are intended to become separate from us.  I am passionate about finding a third way to parent because I fear that authoritative and permissive parenting in their pure forms, or in a reactive blended form, can lead to bigger issues. I’ve always honored the need for consistency but struggled with becoming too strict or too permissive.  I believe that children become more capable of self regulating and developing emotional intelligence earlier than some might think.  I think there is a need for parents to protect the needs of their children by making some aspects stable and structured until they are capable of protecting all their needs themselves. 

 

When we overlay three aspects of parenting that we think create a framework for healthy, responsible, self actualized individuals, we see that there is a continuum of structure, a framework we can reference to maintain balance and track our children’s progress.   We see that there is movement and constant development that can happen from birth to age of ‘independence’.  The three aspects that I think are necessary are

#1 (red) The disintegrating scaffolding which is a structure that protects the kids’ needs that they are not capable of protecting, commonly thought of as rules or limits. Marshall Rosenberg refers to this parental intervention as protective use of force.

#2 (green)  The steady construction of the brick wall made up of a child's appropriate choice-making and self regulation and responsibility. I believe that children are capable of taking on this slope of responsibility pretty early, especially when the parents provide trust as a basis for this growth, are in tune with what the child is capable of, and are willing to continue giving the child a wider and wider range of choices and strategies to grow into self sufficiency, protecting their own needs.  

#3 (blue) A firm foundation of space and opportunity the family provides for the child to discover their interests, gifts, passions that will lead them in the direction of living into who they are separate from their parent’s identities, hopes, and dreams.  This represents an environment of self-discovery and interest exploration, with little or no parental attachment, labeling, or projection of interests.